An Uncle Jimmy's Christmas Story...
by Steven "Mortimer" Moore
Sixth cousin to Uncle Jimmy's mother - once removed.
As I till yous in da first story, Uncle Jimmy had to come up wid a secret recipe fo da ribs dat didn't give him gas. Da reason fo dis is dat Uncle Jimmy has had a gas problem his whole life. I tried to sugar coat dis in da last stories but da truef needs to come out. Dat's right, dat's right, da truef.
If yous remembers, Uncle Jimmy just loves his foods but da ribs just ascerbated da gas problem. Dat's right, ascerbated. Now, in Arkansa it didn't matter dat Uncle Jimmy had dis gas problem cause da whole neighborhood stunk anyway but when he moved to Reveah, it was noticed dat dere was a green mist dat followed Uncle Jimmy around. Well da neighborhood kids was always light'n matches behind Uncle Jimmy which knocked him fo a loop all da time. Dat's right, a loop. Now, his Momma be yell'n "don't light no matches near my lil Jimmy's butt". But you know kids will be kids. Now, Uncle Jimmy tried a cork one time but when Uncle Jimmy bent over he broke a mirror on da wall. Dat's right, on da wall, what a mess. His Momma be say'n "Jimmy, you got seven years bad luck acom'n". Dat's when Uncle Jimmy decided to move to New Hampshire to be a president of his own truck'n comany.
Dat's right, dat's right, da president.
One Saddaday night after a plate of ribs, Uncle Jimmy went to a music hall fo a festival like dey have in Arkansa. Uncle Jimmy was so surprised dat dey was use'n real instruments. Dat's right, surprised. Uncle Jimmy just tooted along anyway until he was just about da last person in da audience. Now, Uncle Jimmy was really embarrased by dis and decided right den he had to solve da gas problem. Now if you remembers it still don't go to da top floor all da time wid Uncle Jimmy da light bulb still don't burn so bright so da truef was it was hard fo Uncle Jimmy to solve da gas problem. He tried dis and dat but it just wasn't work'n. Fact was, it was gettn' worse. He bought a dawg named Lilly so's he could blame her fo da gas.
Uncle Jimmy could warm his whole house all by hisself as long as da pilot light was off. Dat's right, off. Now Uncle Jimmy has just settled down fo a long winters nap think'n about dat avacado colored frigerator on da front poch down home when all of a sudden he sprang to the window to get some fresh air and hit his head on da sash. It came to him right den what he should be a usen' fo his secret recipe. He was up a mix'n, pranc'n and a danc'n till dawn. Da secret recipe worked so well dat da gas was truly gone. Dat's right, gone.
Now, as he's driv'n down da road eat'n his ribs and pet'n his dawg... if you listen quietly you can hear him exclaim!!!
"Merry Christmas to all... and shame on you Lilly"
Da Moore's just want to say to Uncle Jimmy,"Merry Christmas to you and thanks for the great ribs"
Steven "Mortimer" Moore
